nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
