...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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