that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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