you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
