so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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