I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
