to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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