"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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