you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
