That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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