her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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