"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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