I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
