Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
