If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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