He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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