Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
