this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
