Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
