I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
