Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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