She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
