A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
