the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
