omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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