We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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