i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
