onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you win again, gameday.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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