My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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