I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
