the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
