yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
