I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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