Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
where are my eyebrows?
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