yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
