Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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