I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
