she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
