So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
