So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i now understand why vodka
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
