i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You pole danced in your parka.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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