My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
