i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
nutella sex= disaster
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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