I bet he comes in French.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Damn victory sex feels great
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
