So drunk its hurt
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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