Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
