Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
