Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
