just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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