the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
