I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That accounts for only three of the penises
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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